


Swim When It Hurts - Part Three

by jaerie



Series: You Gotta Swim, Swim For Your Life [3]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alpha Harry, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Anal Sex, Anxiety, Beta Louis, But no major character death, Cancer, Depression, Harry Has Cancer, M/M, Recovery, References to Knotting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2019-06-22 14:18:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15583779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaerie/pseuds/jaerie
Summary: Harry never thought he would find himself battling cancer. Louis never thought he would find himself so attached to one of his patients. Neither one of them thought they would find love in such an unlikely place.  Maybe things weren't ideal, but finding strength in a new kind of normal together may be just what they need.





	Swim When It Hurts - Part Three

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of a Wordplay prompt challenge that a group of us are participating in for the prompt "Wind". To read the amazing fics that were written by the others on this prompt, [click here](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/wind/works), and to see all fics written as part of the challenge, [click here](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/wordplay_fic_challenge/works) or find the masterpost for this year’s challenge [here](https://wordplayfics.tumblr.com/post/175608230403/wordplay-2018-every-week-a-prompt-is-chosen-using).

* * *

 

 

It should have felt like a relief.  Logically, the news should have been cause for celebration.  

Instead, the time since the news had come in that his counts were normal, that he was in remission, had been spent teetering on the edge of an emotional breakdown that had Harry feeling more fragile than he had in the days after he had first found out.  Somewhere in the back of his mind, he had assumed that as soon as the cancer was gone and he was done with his treatment, his life would just resume right from where it had left off. He hadn’t taken into account that he would feel like a different person, that the idea of falling back into his old routine would feel like trying to shove his feet into his favourite pair of shoes from his childhood.  He had loved them at the time and still appreciated them for what they were but they still didn’t fit in his adult life. 

Passive tears welled in his eyes and then spilled over to travel down his face, another wave coming with the guilt that he wasn’t celebrating with the news.  

He didn’t have it in him to jump for joy when he had only just started to mourn the loss of his life before the cancer had stripped away so much.  His interests had changed, his sleeping patterns, his appetite, his sense of taste. He fell asleep five minutes into any movie he tried to watch and woke with a fatigue still plaguing his body and mind in an incurable way.  

Worse still was the loss of his knot which he had never thought of as such an important and defining part of himself until it had been stripped away and left him feeling worthless and inadequate.  It made him feel shallow when he thought of the loss, beating himself down that he was upset over something selfish when he still had his life. On his dark days, it didn’t feel like much of a life.  He couldn’t even jerk off to relieve some of the destructive energy that built up pressure inside him with no release. 

He hadn’t even had a rut since the one that had landed him in the hospital, his hormone levels so low that his body had given up.  It didn’t matter, anyway. What good was a rut when there was only knotless infertility to go with it? For Harry, there was no longer a biological purpose for him to ever start a mating cycle again.  Even without a knot, he was shooting nothing but blanks which was another thought that pushed out a wave of tears. 

They might as well have gone ahead and neutered him since he had been left worthless anyway.  He couldn’t even scent properly anymore.

His chemistry had changed so drastically that even the thought of being with an omega– a fantasy that would have easily popped his knot before– made him nauseated.  The thought of an omega’s scent made him feel dizzy and he had been forced to run to the nearest bathroom to dry heave more than once since the drugs and hormonal imbalances had started to turn his world upside down.  Even the idea of getting hard and sliding home into a slick omega hole made his skin crawl and his stomach swim. 

The state of his knot wouldn’t make it pleasurable for him anyway.  To thrust away, to feel the tight hot wet clench around his dick only to never feel the satisfying pressure of stretching an omega open with his knot was enough to force him to sob.  If he had only known he would never feel it again, he just wanted to go back to feel it one last time. It had been so long since he’d knotting an O, long enough that he wasn’t sure if his memory even did it justice.  He missed it so much. So much that he recoiled from anything below the belt unless it involved normal bodily functions. 

He had officially been with Louis for a couple months and still had refused any kind of contact after his first ruined orgasm that had been an embarrassing disaster.  

They weren’t platonic by any means, they jumped past that fairly quickly after Harry had returned from spending some time with his mom.  Louis had climbed up into Harry’s lap only a moment after walking in after work and cupped his face, kissing him so thoroughly that Harry had been out of breath by the time they parted.  That had since become their thing. They would spend hours in Harry’s chair, on his couch, in his bed and wherever making out like teenagers until Harry either fell asleep or had to take a break to remedy the cotton mouth that had been an ongoing side effect of his treatment.  

And it wasn’t even bad that they hadn’t gone further, but Harry could tell that Louis wanted to push their intimacy forward.  Harry couldn’t blame him, either. Louis wasn’t the one who was damaged and Harry could tell that being with an alpha had become a  _ thing _ for Louis.  They had even talked about it in detail with Harry admitting that Louis’ enthusiasm just fueled him on even more.  

Harry’s struggle was complex.  The high points of his days, of his weeks, were the times he spent with Louis exploring the relationship that they were figuring out together.  Being with Louis was easy and falling for him was even easier. Louis was everything that Harry would have wanted in an omega, his body type and personality fitting together with Harry’s like they were made for each other.  It made Harry think that, even if nothing had ever happened to his knot, he would still be open and willing to pursue a relationship with Louis had they met under different circumstance. It wasn’t as biologically driven to be with Louis which made Harry acknowledge that all of his feelings for the beta were pure.  It wasn’t just because he smelled nice– which he did anyway– in the way that the instinctual part of his brain was drawn to. He wasn’t blinded by the haze of heat or rut that skewed reality and caused too many people to enter impulsive and unhappy relationships. 

But even through the budding relationship he had with Louis where his knot didn’t matter, there was still a deep depression that had settled deep into his bones and the depths of his soul with the reality of having to live without it.  After all, Harry was alpha and alpha was more than just a secondary sex. 

Approaching the subject with Louis after they had made their relationship official made Harry feel uncomfortable.  Not because he didn’t want to discuss something so personal with Louis, but because he didn’t want Louis to feel like he was just settling for a beta on account of his condition.  He didn’t want Louis to think that he wasn’t enough, that there would always be part of him longing for something more. 

It wasn’t just the sex either which he found difficult to properly explain.  It was other alphas in the grocery store who could smell the dimmed scent on him.  It was the looks he got that made him paranoid that everyone could see right through his shorts, that everyone could tell that he had been reduced to nothing but a genderless shell of his former self without the defining anatomy.  His own mother had even paused at his changed scent, asking him if he had considered hormone replacements to remedy the imbalances. 

That hadn’t yet been a discussion with his doctors though he wasn’t sure he would be able to take them without feeling ashamed if that became an offered option.  

Underneath every layer of the emotional battle he found himself fighting at every turn, at the end of the day Harry just wanted to get off.  

He had attempted a handful of times, each one yielding the same unsatisfying results.  In the shower he had managed to find a sliver of relief circling his fingers tightly around the base of his dick where his knot used to be while his useless seed oozed out and was washed down the drain.  It hadn’t been an actual orgasm, but had been enough to leave his slit feeling sensitive and his balls feeling lighter. The other attempts had just left him frustrated and angry, allowing himself to indulge in a full blown tantrum that had resulted in at least one room of his apartment trashed.  After the first time it had happened, Harry had made sure to clean up the evidence before Louis had found it at least. He had enough things to be ashamed of without trashing his apartment being one of them. 

The front door of his apartment clicked open during one of his crying spells and he didn’t even bother to wipe the tears from his cheeks as Louis came into the room.  It wasn’t exactly an unusual occurrence, anyway. There was no use in hiding it. 

Louis was still in his brightly coloured scrubs when he climbed into Harry’s lap, straddling his hips and sitting gently on his thighs that had lost most of their muscle tone.  He always felt frail under Louis who had curves for days. He missed having the energy to work out in the religious way that he used to and wondered if he would ever get back to his usual strength.  Some days it felt like he would never recover. 

“I learned about something at work today,” Louis said as he took Harry’s face into his hands and stroked his thumbs across his cheeks to wipe away his tears.  

Harry blinked up at him, extra tears falling over the few eyelashes that had just barely started to grow back in.  

“But you have to trust me if we try it.”  Louis looked at him seriously and waited to make sure Harry was paying attention.  “Because I know what your reaction is going to be if I tell you first and I want you to give it a chance.”  

“Lou,” Harry sighed and closed his eyes, already used to all of the knowledge and suggestions that Louis brought home.  They were all in Harry’s best interest, he knew that, but sometimes Harry just needed to cry and bitch about things without hearing helpful tips.  Especially when it came to his mental health. It felt therapeutic to throw himself a pity party. It usually helped to get it out of his system for a while.  

“No, I swear you’ll like it this time!  I promise.” Louis’ thumbs brushed underneath his eyes again and then there were gentle lips pressed against his own chapped ones.  That was another chemo thing that had become annoying. Harry couldn’t remember the last time his lips didn’t feel chapped or dry or just strange.  He’d gone through more chapstick and lip balm than he ever had in his life and nothing seemed to cure it. 

“I’m not going to drink another one of your nasty shakes,” Harry shook his head.  Superfoods for chemo was a phase that thankfully Louis had given up after a particularly disgusting concoction had Harry retching in the bathroom for an hour.  He’d banned Louis from his kitchen for over a week after that. 

“Don’t worry, nothing like that.  Come to the bedroom with me?” 

Harry hesitated.  “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”  

“Please trust me?  You can pretend I’m your nurse if you want to.” 

“You are my nurse,” Harry stated flatly.  

“Not like that! Not anymore.”  Louis pouted and Harry tried to be annoyed.  It was difficult when Louis was always so genuinely enthusiastic.  

It didn’t take long for Harry to cave and let Louis drag him back into the bedroom where he was instructed to get comfortable on the bed while Louis ran back out to grab a grocery bag that he hid behind his back.  

“I promise that if you don’t like it we can stop.  You just have to trust me and give it a try first, okay?”  

Harry found himself nodding and then regretting it when Louis started to undress him, pulling his loose sweats down his hips without much warning.  Of course Harry didn’t have any underwear on underneath, the elastic rubbing or pressing uncomfortably on his scar more often than not, and he immediately went to cover himself up.  

“Oh stop, I’ve seen you naked before.  I’ve even touched it.” Louis rolled his eyes and then pulled off his own shirt before he worked Harry’s off over his head as well.  

Soon Louis had planted Harry’s feet on the mattress, tenting his legs with bent knees and a space to sit between them.  Harry still kept himself covered with his hands. 

“Okay as I said– for one, I’ve already seen it.  For two, I’ve already touched it.” Louis slapped at Harry’s hands playfully but it felt weird to just lie back naked and let Louis look when he wasn’t even hard.  

Harry watched as Louis positioned himself in the space between his spread thighs and grew more self-conscious by the second.  

“Please just trust me with this, but I think it will be good.  I did a lot of research.” 

Louis pulled something out of the grocery bag and it wasn’t until he started pouring it onto his fingers that Harry realized it was lube.  

“Wait, what are you doing?” Harry asked and started to shuffle up the bed.  Louis’ clean hand caught his hip with a steady grip, pulling him back down. 

“I told you to trust me.  Can I touch you?” Louis waited a beat for a Harry’s hesitant nod before his lube covered fingers headed between his legs but bypassed the bits Harry expected him to touch.  

“Woah, wait, no.”  Harry shook his head and moved to push Louis’ hand away.  He was alpha, not an omega that was built for ass play. There obviously wasn’t any slick down there or any reason for anything to get close unless it was for an actual medical reason.  Which there wasn’t. 

“I was talking to Niall, our pharmacy guy, and he was telling me about some patients with alpha cancers that had to be taken off their replacements for allergy reasons and told me about this thing that might help.”  

“Nope.  Nuh-uh. Just because I can’t knot doesn’t mean I want to be an O.”  

“Getting off in a different way doesn’t make you an O, Harry.” Louis sighed while his thumb rubbed gentle circles into Harry’s hip.  “I just think it’s something worth trying.” 

Harry didn’t like the idea but did trust Louis.  It took a few minutes to finally give in but his body remained tense while he scooted back down a few inches.  

“Just close your eyes and try to relax.  Maybe try thinking about getting hard or something sexual.”  

Harry tried to follow his advice and leaned back against his pillows with his eyes closed until the first cold touch to his hole made them fly back open.  

“I’m not going to do anything to hurt you.  If it does, I’ll stop right away.” 

Louis kept a grounding hand on Harry’s hip and started to circle a gentle fingertip against him.  It was a foreign feeling that made him want to pull away but it wasn’t exactly unpleasant. 

“Don’t think about what I’m doing, think about what it feels like to push in, like you’re the one giving.”  

Harry closed his eyes again and tried to focus on the sensation of pushing into a slick omega instead of the fingertip that was pressing into his own body.  Instinct made him try to push the intrusion out once there was pressure which only seemed to make it easier for Louis to slide in further. 

“What are you trying to do?” Harry asked, his eyes squeezed tightly shut.  It didn’t hurt but it didn’t feel good either, an uncomfortable awkward feeling that made him blush and want to pull away.  

“Let me show you instead.”  

Harry pulled one of his blankets up over his chest, cuddling into it since he always felt like he was freezing lately.  It made him feel more comfortable and secure and he nodded, trying not to think about having a finger up his butt. 

“You have to relax a little,” Louis gently slid his palm down the inside of Harry’s smooth thigh until he reached the base of his soft dick.  The hair loss from the chemo had affected all the hair on his body and the smooth skin between his legs was even more sensitive than when he used to shave it.  It made him feel boyish and pre-presentation in some ways. He focused on that hand instead of the other, breathing out a shaky breath when Louis finally wrapped a loose fist around him.  

Getting hard wasn’t the difficult part and it didn’t take long for his body to respond to the stimulation.  It was better than the first and only other time Louis had touched him, this time with clear intent. He just hoped it wouldn’t be as frustrating.  

“Anyone ever tell you you’re big?” 

He could hear the smile in Louis’ voice and it made him smirk while his cheeks felt just a bit warm.  

“Shut up,” Harry said through a small laugh and kept his eyes squeezed shut so he wouldn’t have to look at Louis’ teasing expression he knew would be there.  

“What?  Isn’t size praise like a  _ thing _ for alphas?  Make you get all hot and bothered and feel all macho?” 

Harry snorted out a small laugh and opened his eyes.  “Stop it– ah!” 

Louis took the distraction to push in a second finger and the stretch caught him off guard.  

“Just needed you to relax,” Louis smirked, “But you really are bigger than anyone I’ve ever been with.  Not that I’ve ever been with an alpha before, but the difference is noticeable.” 

“Never been with an alpha either.”  Harry had closed his eyes again and his voice came out breathy, the feeling of Louis’ fingers overwhelming and distracting. 

“I didn’t think you probably had, but I’m sure you’ve seen plenty in locker rooms and stuff when all you cocky alphas are showing off.”  

“Oh my god stop talking about other people’s dicks,” Harry groaned out through a laugh and dragged his hand down his face. 

“Ready?” Louis fingers changed from the slow and gentle push pull rhythm they had found and stayed deep while they wiggled around. 

“Ready for wha–” Harry’s voice cut out into an actual whimper when a strange sensation suddenly rippled through his body, one that was gone just as fast as it came.  “What the fuck?” 

Harry opened his eyes to see a smirk stuck on Louis face and then it happened again.  It was something he had never experienced before and it made his toes curl against his sheets and his fists clench.  

“Feel good?” Louis asked as he started to stroke Harry’s dick at the same time another shock ran through him.  All Harry could do was weakly nod as he bit his bottom lip between his teeth. “Alphas have O-spots too. Most just never explore it since they prefer to knot.”  

It was intense and unrelenting, nerves prickling and muscles clenching as he writhed on the bed.  The beanie he had been wearing started to slip off and he couldn’t even care enough to reach up and fix it.  He couldn’t even respond to Louis’ explanation that floated into a muddled part of his brain. 

His whole body seemed to be shaking after only a few minutes and his dick felt so painfully hard in Louis’ grip.  Everything was seizing up, including his balls that felt tight and drawn up against his body and his jaw that clenched his teeth together, almost painful enough to cramp. 

And when he was about to beg for Louis to stop, that he couldn’t handle it anymore, that was when it all came to a head and he was coming.  It was hard and deep rooted and every pulse was like a wave of hot and cold euphoria rushing through his body. Louis gripped the base of his dick tightly where he would have knotted and it was almost the same without the relieving pop of pressure that came when it used to expand.  It left him breathless and twitching by the time it was over. 

A zen settled over him that he hadn’t felt in nearly a year and he stayed there in a daze while he enjoyed it.  He was vaguely aware of Louis pulling his fingers out and releasing his grip, but he didn’t even open his eyes. 

The touch of a wet rag against his stomach made him startle, still feeling chilly despite the obvious use of warm water.  He watched as Louis cleaned him up and then returned to settle in at his side. 

“How was that?” Louis asked as he looked up hopefully.  

“I don’t even know what that was but I needed it,” Harry mumbled and let his eyes fall shut with exhaustion.  

“Told you to trust me,” Louis said softly and pressed a kiss to his cheek.  

 

—————

 

Harry had been particularly quiet while Louis finished dishing up the takeout he’d picked up after work and it had started to make Louis just a tad nervous.  It wasn’t unusual for Harry to have quiet spells or crying spells or hyper spells in random intervals but the air between them felt particularly heavy to go along with it.  

He set Harry’s plate on his lap tray and took up his usual space on the couch and watched as Harry stared down at it for a few minutes without starting.  The tv wasn’t even on as it usually was with some movie or Netflix marathon, not even any music coming from his laptop. 

“You okay?” Louis finally asked when he couldn’t handle the silence any longer.  

Harry picked up his fork and took a bite before he nodded.  

“You sure?  You seem a little quiet today.”  

Harry chewed, swallowed and then took another bite before he shrugged.  

“I’ve just been thinking.”  

“Thinking about what?” Louis prompted and hoped it hadn’t been another negative day.  He never minded when Harry had his dark days and always encouraged him to talk about it, but it had also been an especially draining day at work.  It always was when one of their terminal patients came in. He had never been able to learn how to not let it affect him on at least some level knowing they may not even make it to their next treatment, that it may just be giving them an extra day and not long term results.  

“They’re expecting me to come back to work soon,” Harry finally said.  

“Probably, but not until you’re feeling up to it.”  

“That’s the thing.  I’m not sure I’ll ever feel up to it.  I don’t know how I’ll be able to keep up with it now.”   

“Once you get back into your routine I’m sure–”

“No, it’s not that.  I’m sick of being stuck at home all the time so that part will be okay.  I just feel so scatterbrained all the time now. I went to answer some emails and got distracted because my fingers didn’t want to work right on the keys because of the stupid nerve damage and then couldn’t remember which thing I had been working on and then realized I had missed a conference call I was supposed to listen in on.  I don’t even know if I  _ want  _ to work there anymore.  I feel like a different person when I think about going back to the office.”  

“Maybe you’ll find something else that you want to do.  You don’t have to rush back just because you’re out of treatment.  You aren’t suddenly back to normal. Your body has been through a lot.  Take the time that you need to figure out what you want to do.” 

“I don’t have time, though,” Harry sighed as he leaned back into his chair and set down his fork.  “I used up all of my vacation days a long time ago and even my long-term disability is going to be maxed out soon.  I didn’t exactly have a lot of savings to begin with but I definitely don’t have enough to keep paying rent and I haven’t even opened any of the hospital bills yet.”  

Harry gestured over to the stack of unopened envelopes that had started to accumulate next to the tv.  

“I would end up having to move back home with my mom and then I definitely couldn’t go back to my job because I’d never be able to make that commute every day.”  Harry pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes and Louis could tell he was trying hard not to lose control. 

“And then I think about us and what a money pit I already am.  So I have to go back so I can try to start paying everything off.  And then what if it comes back again and I don’t have insurance or they won’t cover it for a second time and then I’ve brought you into all that when I can’t even provide for myself let alone a mate.”

Louis was afraid that Harry might start hyperventilating and it wasn’t even like his concerns were unfounded.  Money and medical bills were a stress factor for almost anyone, even without cancer involved. 

“Move in with me,” Louis said impulsively but after a moment found that he didn’t regret it.  

“I can’t do that to you, Lou.  That would just make it worse.”  

“Hear me out,” Louis took a moment until Harry had moved his hands away from his face. “I already knew what I was signing up for before we even started dating and me out of anyone knows what that means.  I take care of patients every single day and I know the struggles that come with recovering from chemo and all the side effects. You know that I do.” 

Louis let that sink in and took the pause to gather his own thoughts.  

“I know this is new but I spend all my free time with you already.  I have a two bedroom apartment so we could have that separation, if that’s what you want.  I’m already paying for it on my own so that wouldn’t be a financial stress on me, less even since I wouldn’t be driving over here every night.  I mean, not that it is a problem now, not at all.” Louis sighed and wished he could have gathered his thoughts before being put on the spot. Nothing was coming out right.  

“I get that your alpha would have a hard time with that since you instinctively want and need to be the provider.  But the money part of that is a social construct and, not that O’s can’t take care of themselves, but I’m beta and have never had that expectation.  I love my job and it’s a good job and I would still keep on working either way. I started looking after you not because I was obligated to but because I  _ wanted _ to.  And I still want to now that we’ve started a relationship together.  If you aren’t going to be happy going back to that job then I want you to take that time to find something that you really want to dedicate yourself to.  If I can give you a space to do that, then that’s what I want to do and you don’t have any reason to feel guilty for that when I’m the one asking you to do it.”  

“It’s not that simple,” Harry said softly, turning his eyes up to the ceiling like he was trying to hold back tears.  

“Why can’t it be that simple?  Move in with me and if it doesn’t work or you don’t like it then you can move in with your mom or maybe you’ll have a job by then and you can find an apartment.  I would offer this even as a friend, but I am more serious about the offer because we’re more.” 

Harry pulled off his beanie and rubbed his hand over the tiny hairs that had started to grow back in.  It looked so soft and tempting to touch but Harry always whined and pulled away as he complained about how much his scalp ached with the process of regrowth.  It didn’t make Louis want to run his hands over it any less though he respected Harry’s boundaries. Some days he didn’t want to be touched at all and it always took Louis a moment not to take it personally.  He was well versed in the neuropathy and other unpleasant things that came along with healing. It was his job to explain them to patients on a daily basis so he understood when he saw it happening in real time.  

“This apartment does hold a lot of bad memories now,” Harry admitted after a few minutes, finally rolling his head against the recliner so he was looking at Louis on the couch, dinner plate left forgotten on the cushion beside him.  

“So move in with me, sublease this apartment, and then we’ll figure it out.”  

  
  


—————epilogue—————

  
  


Louis couldn’t help it as he paced back and forth in the locker room at work, shoes squeaking on the freshly waxed tile with every step while he wasted his lunch break.  

It was a big day, an important day, and Louis couldn’t stop himself from at least being a little anxious.  The truth was that he was not just a little anxious, he was a lot anxious. The rollercoaster of Louis’ life never seemed to settle but it didn’t stop him from fully experiencing every single moment of it– even if it sometimes tired him out in the process.  

Logically he knew that there was nothing to be nervous about and he knew there was nothing he could do about it until he arrived home after work, but it didn’t stop him from constantly checking his phone and wearing a path through the floor.  

There were few moments that he hadn’t been proud of his husband over the past five years and knew that the results of the day would be no different.  

Louis had been proud of Harry when he had finally decided that going back to school was part of his career path.  That pride had bloomed when Harry had struggled through his “chemo brain” and still made it onto the dean’s list. He honestly thought he would burst on the day that Harry announced that he had been accepted into the master’s program and thought he may never stop beaming as he watched Harry receive all of his honours once he was finally finished.  

It had been on that same day that Harry had dropped down to one knee in front of their family and friends in the middle of his graduation celebration and presented Louis with a beautifully etched silver band and announced that he had plans to marry Louis whether his answer was yes or not.  Laughing through his tears as he slid the band onto his finger, he knew that he would never stop bragging about the wonderful man he could call his own. 

Their life wasn’t perfect, far from it, but it was theirs and they learned how to handle it day to day.  Harry still struggled through dark days though their frequency spaced out more over time. The emotional toll that came with losing his knot was something that still deeply affected him and Louis was still learning the best ways to help or not help him through it.  On certain days it caused Harry’s temper to flare, Louis’ efforts usually doing nothing more than fanning the flames. On others it caused him to withdraw, depression and mourning consuming him while he clung to Louis like a lifeline. 

The therapy and counseling had helped a lot, Harry learning how to communicate his needs better with each episode that came over him and Louis learning to strengthen his patience.  Louis never claimed to be perfect, either, and brought his own emotional baggage along for the ride. There had been many explosive fights between them until they had both finally admitted that it would never get better until they actively worked on it both together and on and individual level.  

But what caused them to clash were also the things that brought them closer together, the things they both could understand.  Cancer changed lives and they had both been deeply affected by it. 

Louis had watched it slowly rip the life away from his mother which brought fear and anxiety each time Harry went in for a follow up appointment.  It wasn’t always easy to comfort Harry while he freaked out over any ghost of a symptom or waited for test results while the same chatter was running through the back of his mind.  

Despite their struggles, Louis was absolutely certain that they had been made for each other and their life together was more often than not filled with love and a feeling of content that Louis would have never thought possible.  They moved around each other with a comfortable ease that had snapped into place almost effortlessly and they both acknowledged how well suited they were for each other. Even through their arguments and emotional clashes, neither one had ever threatened to break their relationship or move out.  Even at his most frustrated points, Louis had never once thought about walking away or giving up what they had. 

Since their marriage hadn’t included a formal bonding ceremony, it had been a simple affair with only immediate family there to witness for them only a few months after their engagement.  They said their vows and kissed in the warm light of sunset, sealing themselves together for the rest of their lives. Even though Louis wasn’t an O, there were times that he swore he could feel a bond pull between them that even Harry couldn’t deny.  

Which was why Louis was pacing the floors.  That morning at breakfast, Harry’s nervous energy soaked into him like a sponge and he hadn’t been able to shake it since they parted ways in the parking ramp.  

Harry had spent the last few years taking internships and entry level positions to gain experience for the position he was finally interviewing for.  Using his own experience for motivation, Harry had pursued a career path towards becoming an oncology social worker. They both knew it wouldn’t happen overnight, but they hoped to be able to work together in the same hospital and an opening had finally come up.  It wasn’t exactly the position that Harry wanted, but it was in the same department and would be a giant step in the right direction and would also get his foot in the door for future opportunities at the hospital. 

Selfishly Louis was just excited that Harry would no longer have the hour long commute with the position he currently held at a different care facility.  The extra drive cut into their personal time at home and Louis loved to whine about it when Harry didn’t get home until well after supper. They could even drive together– if Harry got the position that is.  There was still no guarantee that Harry would be offered the job or even qualify. 

They had driven separate cars to the hospital that morning since Harry’s interview would be done long before Louis’ shift was over.  They had parked beside each other in the ramp and the large white SUV in Harry’s place confirmed that Harry had already left. Considering his interview had been at nine in the morning, Louis would be concerned if it had actually taken more than eight hours.  

Even though Harry had said that he would wait until Louis got home to let him know how it went, he still checked his phone and sent several texts before he pulled out of his own spot and headed to the townhouse they had traded for their apartment the year before.  Harry’s car was parked in the driveway and Louis nearly flung himself out of his own to get inside. 

“Well???” Louis ran his way into the kitchen where he knew Harry would be preparing dinner.  

“Well what?” Harry asked, turning to lean his behind against the counter as he casually took a bite of a slice of raw green pepper.  

“Now is not the time to play games!” Louis was nearly shouting at Harry’s act, both of them nervous and excited about this interview for over a week.  

But Harry wasn’t a very good liar and the small grin that popped his dimple in was all Louis needed to jump at his husband who caught him with easy alpha strength.  

“You got it??” Louis pressed his hands to each side of Harry’s face and waited for confirmation with his face frozen in excitement.  

“I did!”  

Harry was never good at keeping secrets either and, at that moment, Louis had never been more thankful for that.  

“I knew you would!!”  Louis exclaimed and pulled his face forward into a kiss.  His fingers slid around to play with Harry’s hair, the short buzzed back and sides prickling his fingers.  He kept it cropped short with a little extra length on top, adopting the new hairstyle after tragically finding that his hair had grown in mostly straight after the chemo.  The top had a bit more volume and wave and Louis found it an incredibly handsome look. 

Harry laughed against his mouth while his large hands moved to squeeze Louis’ cheeks, holding him up around his waist with ease.  There were things that Louis loved about being with an alpha and being manhandled was one of them. 

“Stopppp,” Harry whined when Louis’ lips started to move down his neck, “I’m making supper!” 

“Is the stove on yet?” Louis mumbled against his skin.  

“Not yet, but everything is ready–” 

“Then it can wait.  Bedroom.” 

It didn’t take much more convincing before Harry was carrying Louis up the stairs, only faltering once when Louis tried to kick off his shoes mid-step.  

Harry had changed into lounge clothes after his interview which made it easier for Louis to pull at the stretchy fabric to get to his skin.  Louis’ was a little more difficult, the stable material of his scrubs limiting the way he could pull them free. It wasn’t very sexy but Louis wasn’t trying to impress.  It wasn’t their first rodeo and his clothes joined the others on the floor soon enough. 

“You’re so fucking amazing,” Louis finished pulling off Harry’s pants and crawled up the bed over Harry’s legs until his mouth was close enough to swallow him down.  

Harry moaned and sunk his fingers into Louis’ hair, pulling gentle while Louis held his hips down against the mattress.  It had taken a while for Harry to fully open up, but when he had Louis found he was so incredibly responsive. When they had the time, Louis loved to ruin him, edging him so many times Harry was a sobbing mess beneath him.  Since it was so difficult for Harry to come on his own, it had grown into a power play so intense it wrecked them both. 

But sometimes, it was just a quickie to get off which was exactly Louis’ goal.   

“Over,” Louis tapped Harry’s hip as he pulled off, reaching across to their drawer to grab the lube.  Harry flipped over onto all fours, dropping his shoulder down to the bed in anticipation. 

Louis loved bottoming– especially with Harry’s thick dick– but when they were coming in hot, the opposite was their mutual default.  The only way Harry could really orgasm was from internal stimulation so logically Louis on top was the easiest way for them to both get off.  

Louis knelt between Harry’s spread calves and lubed up his fingers, grinning when Harry moaned at the light teasing touches Louis gave to his inner thighs.  It dropped from his lips once he began to sink a finger slowly into Harry’s hole, dick twitching in anticipation. Since he was alpha, Harry was always tight but practice had trained his body to be responsive to the touch and soon Louis was able to sink two fingers in deep.  

There had been many discussions about it, but it had still taken a while for Harry’s alpha to accept the idea of being in a different role when it came to sex.  Harry still topped, Louis loved it, but there was always a plug or fingers involved if Harry wanted to come. It had been a strange conversation the first time Harry admitted that he came the hardest when Louis fucked him after having been so opposed to the idea for months.  The first time it had happened, Harry hadn’t even gotten off, too preoccupied with his deeply rooted alpha roles to let himself enjoy it. 

Thankfully, he had gotten past it because it was Louis’ favourite thing to do.  

Once Harry was quickly stretched, Louis shuffled himself into position and his body tingled in anticipation.  Harry felt to hot and tight that even the thought had his dick twitching and wet. The first push was always met with resistance no matter how much prep Louis had given him, an extra thrust always required to pop his head in.  They both moaned obscenely at the feeling, Harry reaching between them to grip his own dick. 

Louis knew the best angle to get at Harry’s O-spot, pulling Harry’s hips back into his lap and thrusting up without wasting any time.  Harry’s moan was electric and had his hips surging forward with more power. 

“You got it!” Harry was moaning on mumbled repeat, so easy when it came to his spot.  Louis could see his arm moving as he tossed off, face buried forward into his pillow. 

There were times when Louis felt so powerful reducing an alpha to a whimpering mess and it only fueled him, slapping his hips up with more momentum.  Harry was  _ his _ alpha and that trust and dynamic only made them more intune to one another.  

Harry let out a groan that was his biggest tell, so predictable when it came to finishing.  Louis kept up his pace, concentrating on hitting his target dead on with each thrust. 

Some of Harry’s erectile tissue in his knot had started to repair itself but it still wasn’t enough to get him off on its own.  Louis reached around and gripped around Harry’s knot, squeezing just as Harry started to come all over the sheets. The knot pulsed at Louis’ hand, part of it trying so hard to function but only capable of a weak display of its former glory.  

It only took a few extra thrusts before Louis was coming as well, plastering himself to Harry’s back and planting a faux mating bite on his shoulder that made both of them moan.  

There was a long stretch where they both caught their breath, soaking in the afterglow that found them smushed together on top of the sheets.  

“Proud of you,” Louis mumbled and pressed a kiss against Harry’s bare shoulder.  

“It’s just a first step,” Harry shrugged a little but his grin and blush gave him away.  

“A big one, though.  Still proud. Love you.”  

“Love you too,” Harry shifted onto his back so he could plant a soft kiss on Louis’ lips.  “Dinner?” 

“That sounds good,” Louis smiled and then headed back to the kitchen to start the next phase of their lives, the shifting winds finally turning in their favour.  

**Author's Note:**

> [here's a tumblr post if you enjoyed!](http://jaerie.tumblr.com/post/176450846272/you-gotta-swim-swim-for-your-life-a-series-by)


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